Transcendental Medication?

Transcendental Medication?

Dr. Angst searches for his bliss. We search for him. Everyone ends up in some hot curry.

It had come to the attention of senior management at Chocolate Crisis Center that Dr. Ernst Angst (our beloved Founder and fount of inspiration) had possibly been absent from the campus for as long as several months. Well, give us a break, OK? He's usually over at the Research Laboratory Complex, and we have no idea what he does over there. Seriously, his last published paper was entitled "Proof: Having Some Chocolate is Way Better Than Not Having Any At All." And that was in The National Journal of the Obvious, for corn's sake!

Sorry – we're a little touchy. But let's face it, the Doc is a figurehead. At best.

Nevertheless, we had to go find him, if for no other reason than public safety.

But, where could he have gone? His driver's license has been revoked. He's no longer welcome on public transportation. He's kinda' slow-moving. We all looked at one another. There was a lot of head-shaking. (This is not unusual for the guys who work in the warehouse. Their contract allows them to sample as much product as they want – so they're typically pretty twitchy.)

Still, no one could recall seeing Dr. Angst in quite some time, and security records indicated that his badge had not been scanned since late February.

Our Chief Security Officer, Major Cravens, USMC, Ret., quickly crossed the moat to the Research Laboratory, disarmed the elaborate surveillance and security systems (trust us; you can’t get in) and began to search for our missing Founder. There was no sign of the Doc anywhere in the complex, including the sauna and the curling sheet.

The only clues to his whereabouts were a copy of Eat, Pray, Love and map of the Indian subcontinent.

A pushpin was securely stuck in the city of Jabalpur.

“Jabalpur!” cried the Major cinematically, as a sitar-tinged orchestral sting filled the room. “I knew someday I would return!”

He turned off the doctor’s filmi Pandora feed. There was work to be done.

Cravens immediately called up the Chocolate Crisis Center Crack Extraction Team, most of whom were enmeshed in a weeks-long, Bourbon-fueled, illicit Texas Holdem' marathon in a little-used file room behind the main cacao storage silos. In fact, the team had not been deployed in recent memory, so very few of the members knew who the Major was. Nevertheless, equipment was eventually located, dusted off and loaded into the Center's Stinson V77 Gullwing corporate plane for the arduous flight to the other side of the planet.

After an equally arduous Punjab cross-country saga involving various types of local transportation, the Major and his team finally located Dr. Angst in the village of Nigri, just off the Jabalpur Bypass. Seems the Doc had "acquired" a Tata truck with an inoperable reverse gear in his attempt to reach the renowned city of Jabalpur, then took the wrong exit off the bypass and ran out of road just past the village limits. By the time he was extracted by the team, he had amassed a small following who mistook him for a famous Yogi, inexplicably bearing chocolate instead of the customary fresh fruit. A small scandal occurred when it was discovered that he had assigned the same mantra, "yumyumyumyumyum..." to all of his disciples. And that the Yogi had died in 2008.

The doc is currently under house arrest at the Hisar Military Station awaiting disposition of various customs issues and diplomatic damage sustained during his visit. Vigorous efforts are being applied toward his release.

Further complications notwithstanding, we believe Dr. Angst will soon be back in his office for Chocsultations on his regular schedule.

The extraction team members, flush with success, are also cooling their heels at the base, where they are learning the subtleties of the popular Indian betting card game Teen Patti.

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